


A Diary of Dreams

by sciencemyfiction



Category: Tiger & Bunny
Genre: F/M, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Multi, Suicidal Ideation, Therapy, Weird dreams, also lots of weird sex thoughts in the dreams, and the actual ending of ep. 25, hush hush that's sort of a spoiler but whatever, robo-tiger's here, this is Kotetsu's diary set in the year between the part at the end of ep. 25
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-25
Updated: 2011-11-25
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:54:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27707944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sciencemyfiction/pseuds/sciencemyfiction
Summary: Kotetsu's been having such a strange series of nightmares, he starts keeping a journal about it, trying to figure out what's going on. Epistolary style story.
Relationships: Barnaby "Bunny" Brooks Jr./Kaburagi T. Kotetsu, Kaburagi T. Kotetsu/Kaburagi Tomoe
Comments: 9
Kudos: 9





	A Diary of Dreams

_April 7_  
  
Went down to the shrine today with Kaede. Lately she's seemed fed up with me, but I guess I can't blame her. There's not really a place for me here. Never was, except by Tomoe. I guess there is technically still a place for me there beside her but that seems unnecessarily morbid.  
  
I never kept a journal before. I got in the habit starting when I was losing my powers and trying to figure out whether it was really happening, and how fast. Maybe that's why I feel like writing about this now, I'm not sure. A depressing journal for a depressing day.  
  
The last thing I saw of Tomoe was her telling me to be off to work. I don't know how she died exactly. I know the cause, but was she comfortable? Was she alone? I like to pretend there was a nurse holding her hand at the end, but I think that's probably not true. I've struggled with this a long time, but she was just as stubborn as I am about things like that. She wanted to act like life was normal right up until the end, because it made her sad to focus on the pain. The thing is, as long this has bothered me, I never had nightmares about that. I had this one dream for years, about waking up over and over and over again, and always finding that she wasn't there, until when I finally woke up  
  
Still, somehow, tonight I had a nightmare about it. In the dream, I went back to work like Tomoe said, and I came back and found her dead. But then everyone I met started to turn into Tomoe, their skin and bones twisting into place, and her eyes were hollow and red and she was angry, so angry. I kept running, but I was getting tired, and my chest hurt, and I was terrified that she would touch me.  
  
She said something, but all I can remember is that she kept repeating: I was all alone. It was awful. Kaede turned into her, same as everyone else, and she pinned me to the ground. I couldn't breathe. It felt like I was being electrocuted, and I knew she was going to become part of me so she wouldn't be alone anymore.  
  
I heard someone talking but I was passing out in the dream, so the words were garbled. Like hearing someone underwater. When I looked up, it was Barnaby, watching Tomoe sink into me.  
  
What's really bothering me is, he got behind her and kissed her, and when he kissed her he bit away pieces of her face.  
  
I woke up before he could say anything. It's two in the morning. I can't sleep, and I'm really jumpy. And worse, it reminded me of something I've really been trying not to think of.  
  
Barnaby hasn't answered any of our letters in a couple of months, and nobody from HeroTV seems to have heard from him either. I'm starting to worry he might have gotten hurt. No way to check, I don't have his number anymore.  
  
I don't even know what I'd tell him. I don't want to talk to anyone about this. I don't want to think about it.

 _April 13_  
  
That dream again.  
  
This time, Barnaby swallowed her. Just ate her whole. Where she had been touching me it was cold and wet and smelled like brine, seasalt and rot. When he replaced her, his hands were warm, too warm.  
  
I tried to talk to him before I woke up, but when he spoke it was all distorted. He looked like he didn't know me.  
  
And like he was going to  
  
_April 18_  
  
In the dream, Barnaby threw Tomoe off of me and ripped my shirt open. I had broken ribs and was all torn up like I was after the Jake Martinez fight, and everything hurt. I kept almost passing out but I knew if I did that would be it, that would be the end and Barnaby would kill me. As long as I was still awake, I thought, he wouldn't. But if I passed out, I was dead.  
  
He picked up my hand, this bloody, broken, ugly thing, and he started licking it. It felt like he was trying to heal it, maybe. It didn't hurt when he was licking it, and I started shaking.  
  
Barnaby said something but I couldn't understand it, the blood was roaring in my ears. That's when Tomoe jumped back on him and he ripped her apart like it was nothing.  
  
I couldn't breathe when I woke up, and had to get Kaede to help me out. She says I should take something to help me sleep, or see a doctor. I told her I'll do the doctor thing if it happens again, and promised her to take something so she'd go back to bed.  
  
I think the grocery has valerian root.  
  
_June 1_  
  
Decided to stop taking the valerian stuff when I did some research. It's an opiate, apparently, and pretty addictive, which is why I guess I kept needing more of it for it to work.  
  
Barnaby called yesterday to say hello. He said he's been traveling, so I had him tell me all about it. He sounds good. I think he's doing good. Not happy, but I guess I can really understand that. It takes a while to grieve for someone, and he's probably grieving for Maverick as much as Samantha, in a way.  
  
He said he read all of our letters, and asked to talk to Kaede for a bit which made her day. She's been annoyed with me lately, I guess being home all the time bothers her. Decided to start going for long walks around noon so I'd be gone when she gets home from school, and that seems to help. It's nice out, too, so the walks are no burden for me. Something to do to keep in shape a little.  
  
Anyway. Barnaby is fine, and I know that now. And I don't want to be drugging myself to sleep. It felt funny anyway.  
  
_June 2_  
  
This isn't working.  
  
Was on a path, walking. It was getting late but I couldn't get closer to the house. Kept taking wrong turns, or something.  
  
Tomoe stepped out of the lake, and kissed me. Nathan was there, too, and grabbed my ass. I slapped them both and they laughed and took me to a tree where they were having a competition to kill rabbits.  
  
Rabbits scream like humans when they die.  
  
I just watched for hours. Tomoe's wrist had this efficent little way of twisting their heads, and that was it. Nathan was setting them on fire. Only, it started to get blue when the sun went down.  
  
And it wasn't Nathan, then, but Lunatic.  
  
Somehow, I knew he wasn't going to hurt me, but he engulfed Tomoe in flame and left me there trying to put her out.  
  
Still screaming. She's still screaming. I'm awake, but I can hear it.  
  
What's wrong with me?

 _June 10_  
  
Had Kaede bring me this while I'm recuperating. Not going to talk to her about what I've been dreaming, but the doctor's been really nice, and I'm thinking maybe I should show her what I've written so far.  
  
Another attack on the fourth. I didn't wake up this time, Kaede found me. According to her, I screamed twice and then was quiet, and when she found me I was choking. It's not sleep apnea.  
  
I don't really know what it is. Doctor thinks it could be a NEXT power, which was a shitty thing to say while Kaede was standing around, but she didn't know any better, I guess. I promised Kaede it wasn't her, even if it is a NEXT power. Not sure what kind of power would let you choke people at a distance.  
  
When they brought me in to get me some help breathing for a while, they did a few tests, just in case it's related to my powers failing. Turns out my ribs were bruised too, but I don't know how. And there were signs of burns on my wrists and face, but I didn't know about that. The skin felt tender, sure, but. Well, I don't know.  
  
As far as we know it's got nothing to do with my powers fading. Doc Saito actually called in, I guess the doctor lady here called Apollon to ask for my medical records and they got in touch. He said he's been researching NEXT power failure since I left and he thinks he's come up with some ways to help deal with it 'in the field'.  
  
I told him I'm not feeling so great right now, and he offered to come visit and everything. Kind of overwhelming. I told him I'd come visit him and Ben once I'm feeling better, and he was really excited. I guess they miss me in Stern Bild.  
  
The terrible thing is, I kind of miss Stern Bild.  
  
All these reminders of being a kid aren't really my favorite, and even if we have plenty of money to be comfortable, I feel like I'm not earning my keep. I don't know what to tell Kaede. She seemed really worried about this whole sleep-choking thing.  
  
The dream- I don't want to remember it, but the dream, I'm starting to think it was important.  
  
I was having coffee with Maverick, and Barnaby was disassembled and sitting around the room in pieces. Karina walked in and Maverick started hitting on her. He sang to her, and seduced her right in front of me, but I couldn't move.  
  
I wanted to break him in two, the pedophile. When he touched her, that was it. I was so angry my vision was tunneling. And my chest started hurting. I could hear something mechanical, and sort of saw Barnaby out of the corner of my eye, putting the last pieces of himself together. He popped on his right arm and then killed Maverick by bursting his head open. Karina fell away and I tried to catch her but I couldn't move.  
  
Barnaby started hitting on her instead and I told him to stop it, that it wasn't right. I realized he wasn't really Barnaby when he looked at me. Soulless eyes.  
  
Android eyes.  
  
By the time the real Barnaby showed up, the Android had bashed my head into the wall so hard my nose was broken and I was missing a couple of teeth. I couldn't breathe.  
  
I think my teeth were in my throat.  
  
Instead of stopping the robot, though, Barnaby just slid his hands into my shirt and started touching me. I tried to scream for help, but I couldn't breathe.  
  
_June 12_  
  
Doctor Aoyagi thinks it'd be good for me to try to keep this journal in a little more detail. It was kind of a relief when she didn't insist on reading it, but she did have me tell her about the dreams and she thinks I could be in danger of some kind of depression or breakdown, since I was sort of forced into retirement and I do seem to have something kind of like a disease.  
  
She did promise that NEXT who lose their powers just become normal humans, though, which was really reassuring.  
  
Since I usually have nightmares in the hospital I was expecting to have them while I was still under observation, but this one's really different from Stern Bild's. Between that and having so many people looking out for me, I didn't really have time for any more crazy dreams. Saito called again and insisted I need to visit as soon as I'm well.

I talked to Agnes, actually. She and Doctor Aoyagi discussed how much (or in this case, how little) my powers have declined since I haven't been using them, and Saito's work in creating robotics to help compensate for that. I guess based on how physically healthy I am (aside from the nightmares), Doctor Aoyagi's actually recommending I go for it.  
  
I would never have thought Agnes would want me back, of all people. What really is making me think about it is Kaede, though.  
  
I was supposed to be out here for her, so I could help her through a really tough time. She doesn't need me like that, though, and having me around every day seems to be more annoying than she'd expected. Tomorrow morning I'll ask her what she thinks over breakfast. Today I'm going home and, doctor's orders, straight to sleep. She was kind of pissed when she found out how little I'd been sleeping for the past few months. I tried to explain it's just habit at this point. I'm a light sleeper and for years I was sort of on call, it's hard to sleep late at night if I haven't been doing much physically.  
  
Not much of an excuse for insomnia, I guess. If all goes well, though, I might not have to readjust my habits too much.  
  
Agnes says there's a spot for me on the show in the B-league if I want. Antonio says they've been missing me and Barnaby, even. And I think I do want to.  
  
If Kaede wants me to stay, though, I can't let her down. Not again. I did enough damage separating us after Tomoe died. I thought it'd be better if she had someone actually there for her when she got home, but I never really considered that she might think I was trying to get rid of her. Never going to make that mistake again.  
  
_June 21_  
  
Guess it's Father's Day. We just finished unpacking my stuff. I was surprised my old place was still open for rent. It still feels too big for one guy to live in, but Kaede and Muramasa are gonna visit every month, and Antonio and Nathan have already invited themselves over for dinner tomorrow.  
  
I was kind of surprised Kaede wanted me to come back, but she said I was being a couch potato and totally embarrassing her. I guess I was watching a lot of TV when I wasn't out for walks. Not my fault Muramasa and mom didn't want any help doing their stuff. I guess it's probably my fault I didn't try to meet anybody in town, but I was a little nervous, I guess. Didn't want to see someone who looked anything like Tomoe. Didn't want to run into anyone actually from her family, we haven't spoken in years and I'd rather keep it that way. Really didn't want to run into somebody who was talking shit about NEXT. I don't trust myself enough for that. That still upsets me, and I'd get into a shouting match before I knew it.  
  
So, the dad who never gets out and watches TV all day, except for when he goes for walks, probably pretty uncool. That's why I had to laugh, no blaming Kaede there. And honestly, I'm glad to be here. I like Stern Bild. It's so full of possibilities, and it feels like home to me.  
  
Still working out the details of the contract, but Saito's really excited. I'm surprised that I'm not as much, but I guess it's just that I got used to working with Barnaby. Gonna miss him being a smartass out on the streets. He's been busy again, though I think he's not traveling at the moment, just reclusive.  
  
I wish I could say I haven't had anymore dreams, but they're still there. It makes living alone seem really scary. Saito and Ben promised to check on me in the mornings, just in case I have another attack. I'm on some kind of sedative right now, really mild, that's supposed to help make sure I don't lock myself up like I have been.  
  
This time, I was showering. The steam was hot, but the spray was cold, and I felt fuzzy, kind of like I'd been burned all over or something. It hurt, anyway. Reminded me of that one time. I'm still not sure how I made it home that day.  
  
I stepped out of the shower but I couldn't find my towel, and when I walked out into the hall, Tomoe was lying there. I crouched down to see if she was okay, but she was lying on a long, cold white table low to the ground, her hands on her stomach, and she was dead.

Someone was watching me: Barnaby, who got close when I looked up, and kissed the top of my head. He ran a hand down my back, and started fingering me right there over Tomoe's corpse.

He was whispering, but I couldn't understand it. All I know is, I kept asking him to stop, but the words came out in French, and he didn't understand so he put in another finger. Tomoe's eyes were open. She watched me the whole time, and I couldn't help it, I came on her. On her dead body.

The worst part was, she was smiling when I did. Stained with my seed and smiling as warmly as she ever did, while Barnaby kept stretching me wider and telling me to relax.

I woke up again at about ten thanks to that, hard and glad nobody was staying over for the night after helping me move. It's about eleven-thirty now.

I still don't know what the hell this is supposed to mean.

 _June 28_  
  
Working again starting today. I upped my dosage of that sedative a little, hopefully that's fine. It's done the trick, no dreams since then.  
  
_July 3_  
  
My chest hurts  
  
tried to call Ben  
  
can't talk, can breathe a little  
  
_July 5_  
  
Got read the riot act about increasing dosage on the sedative. Apparently since it's like a muscle relaxant, my body gets too relaxed to keep breathing on its own if I do stuff like that. Ben and the Doctor here in town (Faarvir? Falvir?) are pretty mad, but they were able to get me situated without too much trouble. Ben suggested I try meditating, but I'm way too jittery for that.  
  
Had a dream last night, but it wasn't as bad as the rest. Being in Stern Bild seems to help a little.  
  
Something fell out of the sky, and I looked up in time to see Barnaby catching it with a baseball glove. I was finishing off a hot-dog really messily and he walked over to me, telling me something I couldn't hear.  
  
He looked quiet and fond, and reached up with the hand not in the glove to wipe away some of the mustard and ketchup from my cheek.  
  
The thing he'd caught turned out to be a pair of shoes, and he set them on the mat by my door and came into my apartment. He felt like he radiated power, and he was glowing like he'd turned on Hundred Power, but it didn't fade, for him.  
  
He backed me into the wall. I was scared, I knew somehow that I couldn't even activate my power, and even if I could, it wouldn't last long enough. There was no way I could get past him, but that didn't bother me as much as it should.  
  
We kissed, and he pushed me down to the floor, yanking my clothes off and setting me down in front of him, so he could spread my legs with his hands and look at me as much as he wanted.  
  
He started shoving his tongue into me. I couldn't get away and his tongue was fast, way too fast and stronger than tongues are supposed to be. When I started calling for him he finally let up, and he laughed, and squeezed my dick so I wouldn't be able to get off unless he let up on the pressure.  
  
For the first time in months, I could actually make out something he said, though I guess I don't understand what it means.  
  
"There's more of you," he told me, and kept driving his tongue in as deep as it could go and flicking it until I was begging him. For what, I don't really know. It felt fuzzy and I was panting so hard I could barely focus. It was warm I was soaking in my sweat, but he was still pristine, like always.  
  
I couldn't get away from him, couldn't get up, and he just kept doing that. I started shouting his name and everything got really trembly and weak but he wouldn't let up until I came, and even then his arms were gripping mine, keeping me on my knees while he watched me over my shoulder.  
  
I woke up hard again, but I couldn't get off without fingering myself.  
  
Something feels a little wrong about that. I don't really know what I'm doing. But just the act, even that little bit thinking about what would happen if it were Barnaby's fingers, not mine, what would happen?  
  
I need to take a cold shower.

 _July 14_  
  
It's so hot my air conditioning broke, which is I guess why I passed out in the middle of the day. When I woke up, Barnaby was knocking at my door peering in. I was so surprised to see him I tripped over myself to answer it.  
  
He smelled good, and I got really self-conscious about noticing. It's not like I can't separate dream from reality, you know, but lately things have been so weird I don't feel comfortable writing them down. Fortunately, he just wanted to say hi. We had dinner, and he cooked me fried rice and it reminded me of Christmas last year.  
  
Cried a little together. That was a really rough time. Still rough. There are some things I don't think I've really worked through from then, and well. I know Barnaby's still working on his own thing. We had some wine and watched HeroTV and cheered everybody on. Nathan's doing great this season. Antonio, too. Pao Lin's amazing, though. I keep worrying Kaede will point at her and demand to be allowed to join HeroTV, too. I really like Pao Lin and think she's a credit to the industry, but I would never wish that on my kid.  
  
When the show was over Barnaby headed out. I thanked him for stopping by.  
  
I only noticed that I couldn't read anything when I opened this book to look back on some stuff, and then I woke up.  
  
_July 19_  
  
I was floating, and then I realized the music I could hear was the Thanksgiving parade. Underneath me everybody was celebrating Barnaby's big return to HeroTV as King of Heroes, and I wanted to congratulate him.  
  
I couldn't turn over.  
  
I was falling.  
  
No one saw.  
  
_July 23_  
  
Falling dreams again  
  
_July 25_  
  
Can't sleep, going to write. Two days now, probably going to have to sleep or get someone hurt lots of coffee, helps but doesn't make me less irritable. Trying to lay low, stay out of people's hair. Nathan wanted to know what was wrong went to the bar didn't drink anything, didn't really talk about anything and he looked sad for me. Als  
  
Alw  
  
Wlays saw right through me. Always. Hard to write, keep seeing double.  
  
Don't want to dream about that anymore. Tried giving Barnaby a call, then sent him an email. He emailed back:  
  
'Good to hear from you. I've been busy learning more about my parents's research. Reading their articles is fascinating, but it does hurt. Did you know they nearly created functional AI back in the 50's? Anyway, how are you doing?'  
  
Sat in front of the computer staring at that for hours not sure what to say. Falling apart doesn't seem like a good answer. Can't sleep, can't take these falling dreams. Maybe I shouldn't be here.  
  
_July 26_  
  
Agnes is having me see a psychiatrist. Not happy about it, but if it means I can stay I'll do it.  
  
_August 1_  
  
My psychiatrist looks just like Tomoe's sister, but with red hair. I was pretty unnerved at first. She is easy to get along with.  
  
We talked about the dreams and how they've been affecting me, but I'm just not comfortable talking about some of the stuff that happens in them. She says it's pretty hard to find out what's wrong if I won't even give her an idea of what the cause of the problem might be.  
  
I said, 'Well, after working with a partner before, I kind of got used to it. I think I miss that.'  
  
And she said, 'You dream about Barnaby?'  
  
I don't know why I kept talking, but I did. I told her how I can never understand anything Barnaby says in the dreams and it drives me crazy, like we're on two different wavelengths, like he's in the year 2020 trying to talk back through time to me and I just can't hear him, or something crazy like that. I couldn't stop feeling like she was going to certify me insane and then that'd be the end of Wild Tiger. I've never had problems like this before.  
  
She also wanted to know more about my past, and said she'd read in my record about Tomoe passing on. She wouldn't let that go and I wouldn't talk about it. We just sort of had a standoff until the session was over.

I know I have to cooperate but I just don't feel like telling some total stranger all my personal feelings on something like that.  
  
Not sure how to feel about it, but she said she's not just a stranger, she's a stranger who can't interfere with my everyday life, and who won't judge me. I can tell her anything and it won't change the way I have to live, day to day.  
  
Maybe she's right, I don't know. She says her job is pretty much to listen, most of the time. I said I'm really bad at saying anything meaningful.  
  
_August 8_  
  
Lot of dreams about just sitting around with Barnaby this week. Sometimes Tomoe is there, too, and Kaede runs through the house. Sometimes the other Heroes are there and they all live with me.  
  
Been talking to Jennifer-- the psychiatrist-- a little more.  
  
I told her about Tomoe because she seemed really worried that this is all misplaced grief. I explained how it was pretty rough, but we got by; what I did to make sure I could honor that last promise, a lot of stuff like that. Jennifer said,  
  
"Is that a promise to yourself, or a promise to her?"  
  
I had never really thought about it.  
  
Last night, I had another attack, but I woke up before I started choking. After so many normal dreams, it was really unpleasant. Barnaby was flaying my skin off and Tomoe was cooking it on the grill like bacon. I was pinned down by something heavy, and when I tried to get up I just couldn't. It felt like I'd just about died. They were like vultures.  
  
I had to put down all the pictures of Tomoe this morning before I started writing. Feeling her watch me was too unsettling. I wish I knew why I have these dreams.  
  
_August 11_  
  
Tomoe was taking pictures while Barnaby sucked me off on the couch.  
  
When she was satisfied, she joined in, fingering me. At some point we switched, so I was sucking Barnaby off while he clenched his hands in my hair.  
  
There was water pooled on the floor, and it was so cold. Raining. The only good thing was, Barnaby was warm. Tomoe disappeared.  
  
Somebody pulled my arm back and shoved my face down until I was gagging on Barnaby but I felt pretty safe because it was him, so I held my breath.  
  
Woke up on the couch, freezing. Got to see Jennifer tomorrow.  
  
Really not sure what to make of that.

 _August 27_  
  
I finally told Jennifer about Depardieu yesterday.  
  
I didn't dream at all. I feel good today.  
  
_August 31_  
  
Today it's raining. I was tired after the arrest this morning-- six mile chase after a pretty drawn out fight in the mall where they started-- so once the shoplifters were cuffed, I decided to take a break in the locker room. Fell asleep on the bench.  
  
Woke up to Nathan shaking me, looking worried. While I was sleeping, I was muttering for Barnaby, he said.  
  
Didn't want to tell him it was because in the dream, Barnaby was ignoring me and kept walking away whenever I tried to talk to him. I had this bad feeling Barnaby didn't have a face.  
  
_September 4_  
  
Still raining.  
  
The dreams have been off and on. Nothing worth writing about, for the most part. Sometimes Barnaby and I are having wild sex, sometimes we're just friends, sometimes we're strangers.  
  
Never anything like this before, though.  
  
Dreamed that I drank that coffee Maverick offered me, and it was drugged. I watched him come closer, helpless, and he blanked out my memories of being a Hero at all. Then he killed Samantha, and set the Heroes after me, only I had even less of a clue what was happening. I didn't know what to do. They caught me, and then held me in place while Barnaby beat me until I couldn't move.  
  
When I woke up I had a nosebleed, and couldn't stand light any brighter than very faint. Wasn't going to go see Jennifer for another five days, but scheduling an emergency appointment. Something has got to be wrong with me.  
  
_September 5_  
  
We think it might be a NEXT power, but not sure who's near me freqeuntly enough to be keeping me under the effect. Jennifer thinks it's more like a power of suggestion, and the longer I fight it the more damage it does. She says she knew a girl who had that power. Accidentally killed her boyfriend by trying to suggest they get a little more serious, and then killed herself in grief.  
  
What the suggestion is isn't clear. Jennifer thinks if I act on it, it should ease up, at lease, if not go away entirely.  
  
Either the suggestion is 'have sex with Barnaby' or it's 'let Barnaby kill and eat you', and neither seems within the scope of reality to me.  
  
_September 6_  
  
Keep getting nosebleeds. Asked the other B-league Heroes to keep it quiet so I don't get taken off active duty. They're all good kids, though, so one of them told Agnes, which means I'm on forced leave for a month. Can't be too mad, they sent me flowers and a get-well-soon card.  
  
Trouble is, sitting around at home doesn't solve my problem.  
  
_September 7_  
  
Got this in the mail today:  
  
"In nature, tigers are some of the few felines that enjoy swimming, designed to do so more swiftly and easily than any of their genetic counterparts."  
  
Seems like a threat, but it could be a clue, too.

 _September 12_  
  
I've been getting letters daily since the 7th. They're all just single pages with a fact about tigers on them.  
  
'Tigers lead solitary lives, confining their movement to their outlined territory.'  
  
'Unrelated tigers may feed on prey together.'  
  
'When wounded or old, a tiger may become a man-eater, and in these cases may need to be put down to preserve human life.'  
  
All of the letters are unmarked and none of them have prints on them. People are reasonably worried I might have a stalker, and the letters are definitely threats. Today, Saito suggested I should stay in his office instead of going home for a while.  
  
I didn't realize it but I had a headache earlier. I feel a lot better here in the lab, and oddly enough, I can use that weird relaxation chamber to sleep in. It's safe enough, and works as a bed.  
  
Dreams have been too chaotic to write about. Mostly Barnaby attacking me, sometimes killing me. It would be less disturbing if he wasn't usually doing it in the middle of sex. Common theme is definitely choking. He'll choke me out while he's fucking me. I don't even know what to do. What does it mean?  
  
He doesn't look human in the dreams. Like it's some fake him.  
  
_September 14_  
  
Since I started staying in Saito's lab to sleep, the nosebleeds and light sensitivty have gone away. Whoever it is can't seem to get in here. I still have weird dreams but at this point I'm not sure those have anything to do with outside influence. Maybe my brain was just responding to some crazy slow-killing NEXT power the whole time.  
  
Just now I dreamed I was bound with my hands on the floor and my ass up in the air, and a pail under me. Barnaby was fucking me so hard my toes were curling, and milking my dick off into the pail like I was some livestock.  
  
I couldn't _speak_ , though, I just kept making weird animal sounds.  
  
Then he branded me with his initials. The pain woke me up.  
  
_September 16_  
  
Same dream  
  
this time when I woke up, I was in so much pain I couldn't make any sound  
  
I think the brand is still bleeding, Saito told me to just keep writing and lie on my stomach until he can get the doctors down here to look at my back. It's a huge burn mark but I was on my back when I woke up and broke some of the blisters and scabs it formed.  
  
whoever this guy is he can get inside the lab without any security cameras catching him before he disables them all. He hit Saito so hard it gave him a minor concussion. We're probably both lucky to be alive.  
  
When he was branding me he spoke and the voice didn't quite sound familiar, but close. He told me it's my fault his father died, but I don't know who that is; he also demanded I quit stealing his place. My only guess is someone who Maverick made a deal with to take my spot on Hero TV? Maybe?  
  
fuck I don't know but I'm running out of stuff to write out and this smarts like being on fire

 _September 17_  
  
The marks engraved on my back are apparently the zodiac symbols for Libra and Scorpio. I'm doing better but keep getting queasy. Apparently the brand that the guy used left behind chemical traces of bismuth, arsenic and sulfur in my bloodstream, so the doctors say I'm basically poisoned and need to stay put.  
  
Staying still seems like an awful idea. I had another dream, vivid, of watching myself in a mirror. In the mirror, Barnaby was taking me from behind, pulling my head back with his fingers tangled in my hair. My hands were bound behind my back and he was biting my throat while he kept pounding his hips into me.  
  
On my side of the mirror, I kept trying to get through, calling out to myself. The glass was flawless and didn't give.  
  
I screamed myself hoarse before someone came in to the sickbed area and woke me up, but no new bruises, no nosebleeds or anything. My head hurts as bad as it did when I was getting them, though.  
  
This has to stop.  
  
I need to find this guy, talk to him. Find out what he wants.  
  
Just as soon as I can walk three feet without collapsing again, that's what I'm going to do.  
  
_September 20_  
  
He found me, in the dream. He was hazy and indistinct, wearing a dark cloak and a surgical mask that covers his face. But he sounded like my father, almost, and he approached with his hands in rubber gloves.  
  
I asked if he was going to cut marks into me again, and he just shook his head.  
  
Then he reached into my mouth, so deep I should've been choking. He reached down into my chest, and collected something off of my heart, some gauzy gray thing that I thought wasn't supposed to be there anyway, and he smeared it on his own chest.  
  
"This is mine."  
  
I wanted to know why he was taking pieces out of me, but he was already reaching down into my mouth again. He pulled out a black grape that kind of shone red in the light, and he ate that, crunching it in his teeth.  
  
Then he let me go, and I felt exhausted so I fell back into a table, scattering papers I'm pretty sure were important everywhere. I couldn't read them, and suddenly knew it was a dream, when he reached inside himself, and pulled out a green grape, offering it to me.  
  
I asked him what it was.  
  
"You."  
  
So, I ate it, and the dream washed off. I can't shower yet because of the burns, but I sponged myself off as best I could. The sweat stings where ever it touches the scabs.  
  
_September 25_  
  
He won't show me his face. I know he's coming in every night, because the nosebleeds are back with a vengeance and anything brighter than dusk is painful. The security camers blank out when he's here, and have to be fixed the next morning, every morning. The other heroes think it's some kind of hacker, intentionally sabotaging our systems. I know it's him.  
  
Sometimes he wakes me up, pressing on the scabs, and then chokes me unconscious.  
  
Saito thinks there might be more to the marks on my back, because they can be used in stuff other than the zodiac. What, I'm not sure yet. He said he'd look into it.  
  
_October 1_  
  
Making a trap. This might be the last time I'm able to write in this if it goes wrong.  
  
I hope Kaede will forgive me for not answering her calls lately.  
  
I hope this works.

 _Oct 6_  
  
It didn't work.  
  
I woke almost immediately when he entered the room, but lay still, keeping my breathing soft and slow in a futile hope that he would not notice the change, that he would not see through the ruse and run away before we could catch him.  
  
I could smell something, a little sharp and burning. A piercing electric shriek sounded in my ears, painful enough that I whimpered, clutching the EMP device I'd rigged tighter in my right hand.  
  
The sound seemed to get louder until I could not think through it. I felt my arms shivering, and someone's hand, perfectly smooth, touching mine. He peeled the EMP device out of my limp fingers and crushed it in his palm before letting the sound fade away, dragging me up to look him in the face.  
  
He appeared to be human, more like the strange female android we had once seen. The monster that had nearly beaten me to death while Barnaby stood by, distracted.  
  
What he looked like didn't change what I suspected he was: the same as another android that had also nearly gotten me killed, completely designed for the express purpose of killing NEXT.  
  
His eyes, though, were not the blank soulless things I'd thought they would be.  
  
They looked like my eyes. They held a consciousness not unlike my own, programmed with my personality. In the depths of the little whirring cogs that formed his brain, where tiny microchips and sticks of carbon were being used to simulate the organ in my head, I wondered if he thought he was me, or knew better.  
  
I was still reeling from the pulsing sound he had emitted, and weak as a newborn kitten in his grip. He took my chin in his hand, turning my head to either side, examining me.  
  
I asked him tiredly, "What do you want?"  
  
When he did not answer right away, I wondered if I had imagined that familiar spark in his eyes; but no, he shifted his grip, pulling me into his arms as if remembering the motion of embracing someone, but not sure how to enact it safely. He held me tightly, but not so tightly that it hurt the scabs on my back.  
  
Then he lifted one hand to my face, running his fingertips down my cheek, stroking the line of my jaw in fascinated wonder.  
  
When I tried to ask again, I was shaking, somehow much more unsettled to see myself reflected in the face of a machine that acted so human. "What- what do you want from me?"  
  
"Father," he answered, in a voice like mine. Deeper, maybe. "Father is dead. You have all that is left of Father."  
  
I didn't understand what he meant. If he was referring to Rotwang, the madman had splattered on the sidewalk almost a year before. I had no idea what had been done with the man's remains, only that he'd died while I was unconscious thanks to the elder counterpart of the creature now holding me in dangerously powerful titanium arms.  
  
When I mentioned the scientist, the android shook its head, and brushed hair away from my face. "Implanted inside you. That's where the rest of Father is, hiding." Pausing for a moment, maybe considering the merits of phrasing its request as less of a demand, it eventually added, "May I have Father back, then?"  
  
I told him I didn't know what he meant, and at last he let me go, turning me around so he could trace the symbols he had etched into my spine.  
  
"H-01 was constructed with full knowledge of your movements and behavior, collected through a dataport installed while you were resting on-site per Albert Maverick's orders," he said matter of factly, pressing his thumb in the exact center of the scarred symbols. His touch sent a spark of pain up my spine and I gasped in shock, unable to struggle as he slowly pulled away what felt like a long, slender pin, bracing me with his other hand clamped around the back of my neck to prevent me from struggling.  
  
When it at last came free, I was suffocating; the android hastily let go my throat, and picked me up, laying me back out in the relaxation chamber where I'd been sleeping before. The pin glistened silver and had several blinking readouts written in text too tiny to be understood, all flashing red now that it wasn't inside of my spine.

I wanted to ask it everything. There were questions it could answer that no one else might ever know the answers to. In the end, the only thing that made it out of my mouth was, "Why me?"  
  
"You were a convenient test subject," it answered amiably. "Rotwang held a personal grudge with Bunny. Because of that, he wanted to replace you, to get research on how to counter Hundred Power and ensure that someone he could trust was placed as Bunny's partner. I was the experimental model, but production was scrapped when he decided to focus on replicating the Wild Tiger armor instead."  
  
Shrugging all that away, he plunged the needle into his mouth like a sword-swallower at a circus, latching it somewhere in his false esophagus and closing his eyes to process the data as he uploaded it.  
  
I thought of trying to run, but he was done before I'd even started to sit up, and put a hand to my chest, his mirror-face to mine twisting with something that approached regret. "I can't stay here any longer."  
  
I tried to protest, but he silenced me with a kiss. I was so startled I stopped trying to fight him entirely, and didn't even notice when he keyed the controls to lock me in to the relaxation chamber.  
  
When he broke away, he had an expression of fear.  
  
Then he was gone.  
  
_October 22_  
  
The nosebleeds, choking, bruises, light sensitivity-- all the stuff they can now pinpoint came from the robot's interference has stopped.  
  
But the dreams are weirder.  
  
Most nights I dream Barnaby is making him give him a blowjob under the table while he's at a fancy dinner. I'm collared so I can't pull off, and he has to ignore me or the guests will know and I'll get hurt. Usually he comes down my throat two or three times before the dinner is over and he's allowed to cut furiously at the straps holding us there.  
  
He's always worried, and I'm always kind of sorry to be let go. In the dreams, I just want to keep sucking him.  
  
In real life, I can't even get him to be in town for his birthday this year.

 _November 5_  
  
I started keeping this to log the creepier dreams, but I don't feel comfortable writing about the kind I've been having lately.  
  
Even so, I thought it would be good to remember, the other me sent a letter that arrived today. It had just one line: "In your territory, not for long."  
  
I haven't seen him yet, but I'm trying to keep an eye out. I didn't know what to tell everyone at Hero TV about it. I didn't want to lose my job but I didn't want to help them hunt him down, either, so in the end Saito and I agreed to kind of fudge it and say the plan worked, but the robot was fused into a hunk of iron or something and we melted it down.  
  
Days like this I really miss Barnaby.

 _January 1_  
  
Since Barnaby started on again I've been trying to think of a way to tell him about the whole incident, but I wasn't sure how to bring it up. I had forgotten about the scars, though, and he noticed them the instant we were in the showers.  
  
He made me tell him the whole thing, and it was hell trying not to stare at him, not to want to show him exactly how happy I am that he's back. I still have dreams about Tomoe sometimes, but they're only dreams anymore. After so many nightmares, it's been a huge relief.  
  
Something did happen between us, but only for an instant. Barnaby suggested I come by his place for dinner and I asked if he'd make me fried rice like he'd promised last year. He froze up, and I thought maybe he was trying not to look at me the same way I was trying not to ogle him.  
  
He wants to see this journal, which means he'll probably end up reading it.  
  
Maybe if I'm lucky, he feels the same way I do and will want to re-enact some of the nicer dreams. Maybe I should burn the book.  
  
We'll see.

**Author's Note:**

> Another old anon-meme fill. I liked this one a lot, rereading it I think it could probably use some edits but again, I don't have the wherewithal for that right now so it may have typos or repetitive word choice right now. Apologies for the old writing.


End file.
